Letter #147... Dear Mr. President... The Loss of a Child... and Mothers

Dear Mr. President:

It’s appropriate that this is my 147^th letter, because this is about my son Jeff, who passed away on 4/7 at the age of 47 from pancreatic/liver cancer. I told you about Jeff in letter #138 written on Saturday, February 4, 2012.

This is also about mothers, working mothers, single mothers, and yes, mothers like Ann Romney. You were quite right to say that all mothers are incredibly hard working, and there is no more important, nor difficult job than being a mother. With that said I think that you’ll agree there are vast differences between working class mothers like yours and mine, and mothers like Ann Romney. That’s not to say that she doesn’t love her children just as much, nor does it mean that she wouldn’t sacrifice just as much as any other mother… what it does mean is that she doesn’t have to work as hard, or worry about the same things as single moms or working moms. It means like everything else in life… not all things are equal, nor will they ever be… not even moms.

When Jeff was born in 1965, I was just 19 years old and had another son Dennis, who was barely a year old. Every day was a struggle for all of us… a struggle to make enough money to put food on the table, keep cloths on our backs, and keep a roof over our heads, and yes, I was a stay at home mom. Did I work hard? You bet I did, and when the kids were just 2 and 3 I was divorced, and I became a single working mom. I had to lie about Jeff being potty trained to get him and his brother into a state run child care facility that charged on a sliding scale according to what you made. They charged me a dime for every pair of pants he wet during the day, questioning if he was really potty trained.

Do you think Ann Romney had to worry about those things while she was ‘raising’ her five boys? I think not. Do you think she waited all year for the ‘sidewalk sale days’ to come, just so she could buy enough cheap cloths for the next year?  I think not. Do you think she spent her Saturdays at the Laundromat washing cloths for the next week, or using iron on patches to extend the life of a pair of jeans for one more month? I think not. Those are just a few of the differences between Ann and me.

After an uneventful childhood, both of Jeff’s kidneys failed and at the age of 19 he needed a kidney transplant. Luckily I was an excellent match, so on August 14, 1984 we shared an operating room and a special bond that all donors and recipients have forever. In little more than two years Jeff needed lens implants for cataracts caused by the immunosuppressant drugs he took, and he needed  bi-lateral hip replacements because his hipbones were disintegrating, and he could no longer walk without pain.

Would Ann Romney have donated a kidney to save the life of her child? No doubt in my mind, she would have.  Would she have had to take time off of a job, arrange for someone to take her place at work, and find a sitter for her other children while she was hospitalized and recuperating… I think not. Would she have had to worry about how much insurance was going to pay vs. what she would owe the hospital and doctors... I think not.

Do you see where I’m going with this Mr. President… not all moms have the same struggles, not all moms have the luxury of knowing that they can have the absolute best health care money can buy, not all moms have the same resources at their disposal as the Ann Romney’s of the world, and not all moms have horses to ride as a means of handling the stresses of everyday life… some moms can only afford to take a walk around the block to relieve their stress.

Jeff catches the first of three fish that day

In January when Jeff came to live with us after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we didn’t know how much time we’d have, or what he’d be able to do in the time he did have… so we took one day at a time. If Jeff was feeling good we’d take a walk around the lake, or do every day things like shopping or just sitting and talking. In the three months he had with us, he celebrated his 47^th birthday with family, he went to Lake Tahoe to see the snow, he dropped a few coins in the slots, and had calamari in the bar at the Hyatt overlooking the lake. His sister took him to see his first 3D movie, even though he admitted to sleeping through most of it. He got to see his brothers home in Redwood City, and got to ride in his dads restored 48 Ford. He got to ride in the GTO he owned as a teenager before selling it to is brother, and treated everyone to lunch at a downtown restaurant. He bought a fishing pole and caught three fish just a few days before he died… he was the happiest man on earth that day. And together we planned for an Easter dinner celebration and egg hunt for his nieces and nephews. And although he died the day before Easter, we still had our celebration in his honor… he would have had a great time.

Jeff at right, getting ready for a ride in his brothers GTO

We lived each day as if there would always be a tomorrow… we made plans like we had all the time in the world, and we never treated him like he was going to die, but that he was living. We planned a trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon, but like Easter, it was not to be… his sudden decline and death came just three months to the day after his arrival. Even as we mourn his passing, we remember his strength and courage, we remember his sense of humor, and his genuine love for all of us, his friends, his music, his animals, and all living things… but we also remember that those who live in our hearts… will never die.

We were lucky to have the past three months together, Mr. President… yes, he struggled to find things he could eat and keep down, even as he lost more and more weight, but he never gave up or gave in to self-pity. Yes, there were times we cried together at the random unfairness of his eminent demise, but not because he would have wished it on another person, but because he knew he’d never be around to see his nieces and nephews marry and have children of their own. He knew he’d never celebrate another 4^th of July, Thanksgiving, or Christmas… he knew he’d miss the next election and the opportunity to vote for you Mr. President.

I know there are many other mothers who have endured much worse than me, have struggled harder and longer than me, who have lost children like me, wept like me, and will go on like me… because that is what mothers do, we go on and we endure through the heartache, the pain, and the loss, because we must, but there will always be a hole in my heart, that small missing piece that was Jeff.

Jeff's Uncle Shannon, Brother Colt (w/toy gun) Sister Eden, Jeff and his Brother Dennis

Those are the things that all mothers have in common… we make sacrifices for our children because we love them. When we bring them into the world, we hope that the world will be their oyster, that we can keep them safe, comfort them when they are hurt or sad, teach them to be contributing members of society, and to treat others as they would like to be treated. We suffer when the cruel realities of life affect them in ways we cannot change… realizing that we cannot protect them from everything, and knowing that life is at times hard and unforgiving. I’m quite sure your mother and your grandmother felt the same way while raising you… and my mother about raising me, and my five siblings… it’s what we mothers do.

But to say all mothers are hard working in the same sense as your mother and my mother is not accurate. Ann Romney has never had to worry about whether she could afford to send her children to college, or if she could afford piano lessons, or dance classes. She never had to shop for bargains, or see how far she could stretch the beans and rice, or how many meals she could get out of a single chicken. She has in fact not had the same worries as ordinary working mothers.

So the faux anger the Republicans are claiming over the inarticulate comment made by Hilary Rosen saying Mrs. Romney has never worked a day in her life, rings very hollow with me and other ‘working’ moms. Let’s be honest, Ann Romney doesn’t work as hard as other moms, what she works hard at is organizing the hired help to do the work that other moms do by themselves… cooking, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, mopping, shopping, etc… etc…

So to say that all moms work equally hard is like saying that all the passengers on the Titanic had equal access to a lifeboat… it’s just not true. Of the 536 third class passengers that died, most were women and children, almost double that of first and second-class passengers put together.

And so it is the world over… life is random, death is random, health is random, being born into wealth is random, and living in poverty is random, and having to work hard, or not, is random. It’s not about fairness, or being more or less deserving than anyone else… it is, in fact… just random.  

Hold your daughters tight Mr. President, love them unconditionally, and hope and pray that you never have to hold their hand and watch them die, as I did with my dear sweet boy... Jeff.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers,

Your Gadfly Granny

Letter #146... Dear Mr. President... We need a "Shadow Law"

Dear Mr. President,

They say timing is everything and that some things are meant to be… and as Oprah would say… sometimes we have an “ah-ha moment.” I had one this morning when I was laying in bed listening via a baby monitor for the sounds of my son breathing.

In letter #138 I told you a little bit about Jeff and his situation, so laying there I couldn’t help but think about all the people that don’t have insurance, or in the case of Jeff, disability insurance, or have a family member that is able to take them and provide the kind of end of life care that each human being deserves. This is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom… our ability to ease one another’s suffering and allowing that person to die with dignity.

Then I thought about all the laws that are being passed that de-humanize and polarize us on various issues, such as the war, abortion, health care, homelessness, funding for schools, taxes, etc… etc…

I believe I have a solution that will end all this nonsense… I call it the ‘Shadow Law’. The Shadow Law would be a law that would require any and all elected officials that vote for laws that deny, restrict, cut, or de-fund programs for citizens to ‘Shadow’ someone affected by the passage of their law for a minimum of one week. People could sign up to be ‘shadowed’ by the representative in their home district… to essentially, ‘walk a mile in their shoes’.

The consequences of voting for the war... any war.

Just imagine what it would be like for Senators and Congressmen and Women to be required to attend the funeral of a young man or woman killed in a war that they voted for. Or being required to sit by the bedside of a dying person, whose disability was denied because his or her Rep. voted to end that ‘entitlement’. How about having to spend a week in a homeless shelter, and eating food provided by volunteers because you, as the Rep. in their district, voted to defund homeless programs. Or, attend a school with leaky roofs, with computers under plastic to protect them from the rain, sitting on the floor because there aren’t enough desks, and going hungry all day because the lunch programs were cut.

I sincerely think there would be a drastic turnaround in priorities if a ‘Shadow Law’ were enacted. Our elected officials would be less inclined to send other peoples children off to war if they had to spend a week in a war zone… and I don’t mean just visiting, but going out and ‘shadowing’ a real live soldier on patrol or fighting in some god forsaken place we wouldn’t send our worst enemy.

Vietnam Vets, Michael Carey & Greg Welch

When I opened my newspaper (Sacramento Bee, March 22, 2012) this morning there was a headline: TWIST OF FATE REUNITES TWO SURVIVORS OF WAR  (Vietnam). Do we even know, after 40+ years, why we fought that war? We didn’t stop communism, we didn’t secure anything vital to our country, so why were we there? Why were the lives of 57,000 men and women so meaningless to so many? Corporations and people profited from the war, but the ones who actually fought it got killed, maimed, became sick, and profoundly changed by being there even if they weren’t physically injured. The wife of one of these men said, “If I could redo it now, I would have hooked him up with a therapist a long time ago to see what was bottled up in him from Vietnam. I can’t even comprehend the stuff that they endured. Only another person who went through it would know.”  

And that’s the point Mr. President; we can’t even imagine what it’s like until we have experienced it for ourselves. They left Vietnam, but Vietnam never left them. Vietnam isn’t past tense… it’s still here, and these brave men are still living it.

As an example of how the ‘Shadow Law’ would work, one of these men or a family member could call the Rep. in their district, in this case it would be Rep. Dan Lungren of the 3^rd Congressional District, and ask that he schedule a week of his time to spend with these two soldiers to get just a hint of what their lives are like. Now I know that Lungren didn’t vote for that particular war, but he did vote for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. So it would seem, spending a week with these Vets, would be like a walk in the park compared to a week spent dodging bullets or bombs in Afghanistan.

And most recently we have many Reps., including Governors that are all Republicans, voting on issues that involve a woman’s reproductive rights and the right to receive a legal abortion without being subjected to unnecessary medical procedures not ordered by a doctor, but required by some law written by a person who doesn’t have the foggiest idea of what it’s like to be a woman faced with such a difficult choice. Let them go with her to the required doctors appointments, and wait with her for 72 hours before she is forced have an ultrasound and to look at it before she can receive a legal medical procedure from a licensed doctor.

Yes Mr. President, I think what we need now is a ‘Shadow Law’… a law that protects everyone from arbitrary laws passed by lawmakers that don’t have one iota, not a single clue, as to what ordinary Americans are faced with every single day.

Just maybe if they walked a day in our shoes, or spent a week in our ‘shadow’ they would think twice about how their votes affect us and choose to vote differently.

Let’s talk Mr. President, and maybe we can craft a law, or I could start a “We the People…” petition that would address these issues and force our elected officials to live in our world… if only for a week.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers

Your Gadfly Granny

Letter #145... Dear Mr. President... When an Apology is Not Enough.

Dear Mr. President,

On February 20^th it was the incident with burning several copies of the Koran in Afghanistan, resulting in a violent protest that left five dead American soldiers, and now the latest incident on March 11^th, the murder of 16 innocent Afghan civilians, mostly women and children, by an American soldier. Don’t you think it’s time to leave Afghanistan? Don’t you think it’s becoming more and more apparent that you are dealing with a war of diminishing returns, and instead incurring more and more risk to our remaining troops?

When you have to justify an apology it loses all credibility.

You were correct to apologize for the burning of the Korans… it was a stupid, insensitive, and dangerous act that should have never happened given the cultural awareness training given after similar desecrations of the Koran provoked identical results. However, justifying that apology by saying it was necessary to save lives, makes it seem less than genuine, and therefore not a true apology. I realize that was not your intent, but sometimes even good intentions can backfire and become counter productive.

I remember being forced to apologize to my mother for one thing or another, and I was never really sorry, I only did it to regain whatever privilege I’d lost and get back in my mothers ‘good graces’, thus making the apology meaningless and insincere.

How do you apologize for murder? How can you assure the Afghans that this was just one man acting independently and without the knowledge of his superiors or fellow soldiers? At this point this is all but impossible.

Since the U.S. forces invaded Afghanistan in 2001 to supposedly topple the Taliban rulers who harbored the al Qaeda network responsible for the September 11^th attack it has cost over $500 billion dollars and nearly 2,000 U.S. Troops. To continue the present course seems to fly in the face of common sense from both the Afghan position and the position most Americans take.

The timetable of the end of 2014 is just a number, a number that seems more and more unrealistic. To re-establish stability (if there ever was stability) seems very unlikely after these indefensible acts of disrespect and aggression. It’s time to get our men and women out of Afghanistan, if the Afghan forces cannot control the Taliban and their country erupts in civil war… it is none of our business… they should be in charge of their own destiny and the destiny of their people… just like America.

It is quite evident that the U.S. and NATO forces can no longer protect Afghan civilians… they know it and we know it… the time has come, the time is now, withdraw our troops and bring them home.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers,

Your Gadfly Granny

Letter #144... Dear Mr. President... The War on Women is Worldwide, and it's Real.

Dear Mr. President,

The other day I wrote about legislation related to women’s reproductive health issues. I referred to what is currently happening all across this country as the T.M.T.ing of women, or Traumatizing, Marginalizing and Trivializing.

I'm reminded of the first case of child abuse in this country... in 1874 in New York City the case of Mary Ellen a 9 year old girl being abused by her foster mother. After investigating Mary Ellen's home a social worker found her suffering from malnutrition, serious physical abuse including cuts from scissors, and severe neglect. Because there were no laws protecting children, the social worker turned to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), that's right... animals had protection before children. It was argued that because the child was a member of the "animal kingdom" she deserved the courts protection. In 1875 the New York Society for the prevention of Cruelty to Children became the first protective agency for children in the world. It took an additional 37 years until a bill to create the Children's Bureau, became law under President Taft in 1912.

Mary Ellen in 1874

I mention all of this because the plight of Mary Ellen can be equated to the struggle women have been fighting for their whole lives. It really is incomprehensible that women are still fighting for protection and recognition as equals today, and lately the fight is getting down right ugly.

The audacity of Republicans in Congress, and on the campaign trail to presume to know more about women’s health issues then the women themselves is mind-boggling. Why would they object to contraceptives being a mandated health care medication, I don’t seeing them fighting to discontinue paying for Viagra, which is not related to the issue of ‘health’ as much as it is to ‘pleasure’.

Then there’s the religious right wing-nuts that continue to yap about contraception being unnatural and not wanting to pay for it, or even condoning it’s use. But, when it comes to a man wanting a vasectomy… no problem. Isn’t having a vasectomy the ultimate in contraception... isn’t the only reason for having one is to alleviate the possibility of getting a woman pregnant? And do we ever hear about a mans promiscuity after having a vasectomy, are we reminded that he can now have sex as often as he wants because he can’t get a woman pregnant? The answer is a resounding NO!

Yes, there is a war against women and it’s worldwide. Gender preference in China and India where ultrasounds are routinely used to determine the sex of a baby before birth, and although supposedly illegal, aborting female babies. Female Infanticide is commonplace in many parts of the world. Female genital mutilation is routine even in very young girls in many parts of Africa.

The war on women is real, the systematic devaluation of women is real, the abuse of women is real, children forced into prostitution is real, young girls sold by their parents is real, girls as young as 6 or 7 sold into slavery is real, honor killings of women are real, and the fact that laws were passed by men in this country to protect animals before children was real… if Mary Ellen could testify again, she would tell you just how real it was for her. Yes Mr. President, I’m sure Mary Ellen would agree that women are still being traumatized, marginalized, and trivialized even after more than 125 years of being declared mere members of the animal kingdom.

Now ask yourself how you would feel, as a woman in America, where the men in government are passing laws and making decisions that affect your health, your well being, and your life. As a woman I can tell you… I’m not ‘feelin’ the love’.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers

The Gadfly Granny

Letter #143... Dear Mr. President... Trivialized, Marginalized, Traumatized!

Dear Mr. President,

Women are being 'trivialized'

We know that men are quick to go to war, invade other counties without provocation (Iraq), and stomp around the world flexing their muscles against one group or another, but why on earth did they decide to pick a war with women... Again! Don’t men see what has happened historically when the women in their lives, their communities, their homes and the workplace are not respected?

We've seen the brutality that follows when women are oppressed and treated like chattel. The beating, stoning, burning, starving, and yes... the murdering of women around the world is appalling. Honor killings by a member of a family, due to the belief of the perpetrators (mostly men) that the victim (mostly women) has brought dishonor upon the family or community. Every year FGM or Female Genital Mutilation affects as many as 3 million young girls worldwide, and contrary to popular belief, this is not a religious ritual. I mention a few of these horrific things to illustrate the point that the war on women is worldwide, and the women of America will not take a step backwards in time to satisfy those who would oppress us in any manner.

It was only 95 years ago that women in this country were literally fighting for the right to vote. While picketing the White House, 33 women were arrested for obstructing sidewalk traffic. They were beaten, choked, dragged, kicked, and chained to cell bars, some barely alive. Alice Paul went on a hunger strike in protest of the worm infested food and foal water, so they tied her to a chair, forced a tube down her throat and forced fed her until she vomited. This continued for weeks until word was leaked to the press regarding her torture.

And today women are being trivialized, marginalized, and traumatized at the hands of men that we have helped put in office to protect our rights and pass laws that promote our health and well being. We did not elect them to take us back to the 50's and force us to fight for our rights all over again.

'Marginalized' by Darrell Issa

Women are being trivialized by men like Foster Friess, who said that in his day they used aspirin for birth control, “…the gals just put it between their knees.” We are being marginalized by men like Darrell Issa, who convened the panel of 5 men – 0 women to talk about contraception. And traumatized by laws that are being passed by the GOP that require women to undergo invasive ultrasound procedures before they can seek an abortion… under the guise that we need to be fully informed before we can make that decision for ourselves. Outrageous! Unacceptable! And any other word you can think of to describe how intolerable this is, and how offended women are.

Women are being 'traumatized'

This ‘War on Women’ has got to stop, and it will be stopped in voting booths across this nation in November… and I hope you will stand with me, and all women across America. We want to hear your voice in concert with ours, because we are NEVER GOING BACK!

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers, 

Your Gadfly Granny

Letter #142... Dear Mr. President... Unite Against the War on Women

Dear Mr. President,

Yesterday I wrote to you about the wars raging in this country… and as a result of that letter I was sent a link to join a group called ‘Unite Against the War on Women’.

This group is only three days old and already has a National page and over 10,000 people have signed up to participate in a March and Rally on April 28, 2012 in every Capitol across the country. Not since the Woman’s Movement of the 1960’s have women been this motivated… or this enraged. We are sick and tired of being treated like chattel by right wing Republicans.

An article written today for Politicus.usa, By Rmuse, ‘Republicans Have Awoken A Sleeping Giant And She Is Furious’… speaks volumes about what women in this country are feeling and experiencing day after day. The assault on women seems to have no bounds, and no end at the hands of extreme right wing.

Enough is enough! Women are uniting against this assault like never before. We have watched Republican legislatures and Republican Governors, state by state, pass legislation restricting a woman’s right to choose their reproductive health options, to systematically dismantle Planned Parenthood, assail all manner of contraception protection, and even accuse the Girl Scouts of America of promoting homosexual lifestyles.

Republicans have stepped in it this time, and badly miscalculated the strength and tenacity of women to defend themselves against this onslaught of discrimination regarding our health care and reproductive choices.

Rosie helped our cause... make her proud!

There are over 157 million women v 152 million men, and we are going to mobilize, march, protest… and VOTE in November. And… it’s not just women that are fed up with this calculated effort to suppress women’s rights… our husbands, brothers, fathers and boyfriends are fed up too. When mama’s not happy… nobody’s happy, and this mama ain’t happy.

Yes Mr. President, there is a war brewing in cities and suburbs all across America, and if you’re very smart… and I know you are… you’ll keep your nose to the grindstone of governing this country, and steer clear of the War on Women that the Republican right wing and the Evangelical right wing are waging, because they are going to lose this war. I know you’re with us Mr. President because you have too much respect for the First Lady, your beautiful daughters, and all women everywhere.

Women are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore! We will be heard on April 28^th in every Capitol in America… so buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers

Your Gadfly Granny

Letter #141... Dear Mr. President... War is Being Waged Against Americans.

Dear President Obama,

Last night I watched, with renewed horror, the 20^th and hopefully the last Republican Presidential debate. It seems to me that each one, tried to out-crazy the other one.

They keep talking about a war in Iran… what they fail to see, in spite of talking about it incessantly, are the wars they are waging against people in this country. The war against women, the war against the middle class, the war against union workers, the war against the auto industry, the war against the LGBT community, the war against immigrants, and the war against children. All of these wars are raging all around us and the Republicans are responsible for perpetuating and inflaming them.

The war against women by denying women coverage for contraceptives and moving to require invasive and unnecessary procedures before a woman can receive a legal abortion. The war waged against women by men like Darrel Issa under the guise that it was about freedom of religion instead of the real agenda… contraceptive coverage for women. The image of five men in a congressional hearing talking about women’s health and contraception was not only appalling, but disgusting. Not a single woman was allowed to testify… really?

In Virginia the GOP had to abandon their bill requiring women to undergo a vaginal sonogram because of the terrible backlash against it. Again, it was men pushing for something they know absolutely nothing about. They didn’t even know what their own bill was about… all they cared about was gaining more control over a woman’s reproductive rights.

9 year-old boy brought to court in an orange jump suit... really?

The war against children is being waged through tax cuts that affect schools all across America, but most particularly in poor neighborhoods. Then there are the cases where prosecutors want to charge children with crimes at younger and younger ages. A case in Washington State where a 9 year-old boy brought a gun to school and the gun accidentally discharged while in his backpack, shooting an 8 year-old girl. They brought him to court crying and wearing an orange jump suit. Bail was set at $50,000 at his hearing while they try to determine if the third grader will face criminal charges. Really? He’s 9 years-old, he probably wanted to show off to his buddies… where was the intent if the gun was in his backpack? Tragic? Yes. But what kind of trauma will this poor boy suffer as a result of adult stupidity… his parents for having a loaded gun he could access, and a system that wants to put a child in jail. Shameful!

Yes Mr. President… there are wars raging across our land against ordinary Americans and fueled mostly by the GOP, and they need to be stopped. Where has our common sense and common decency gone? These issues need to be addressed… we are a people at war with our neighbors and each other, and it must stop.

Most Respectfully,

Marcia Reimers

Your Gadfly Granny